(Note: The following is an experiment on a format I'm working on for TJ, if it's well liked maybe it'll be a regular feature.)

Welcome ladies and humanoids to the first ever "Twisted News Update" with laughs, tears, blood, sweat and maybe even a true story here and there.

But before we go on - because I KNOW you care This weekend I'm naturally going out to get drunk and then yes I will KISS A GIRL!! Net geeks I am your god, so bow down and worship me. If you're nice I'll even tell you what a real woman looks like naked, yes that's right I've actually seen on.

Okay "Sad attempt at making myself look like I am a "real man" to the readers" - check

TOP STORY! BREAKING NEWS!! HOLD THE PHUNKING PHONE!!

The net has been totally buzzing lately with rumors about Brock Lesnar quitting the WWE, well the net EXCEPT 411 who just went "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz" Well my trusty staff here at the Twisted News Network have uncovered an even BIGGER bomb shell.

I have it from a VERY reliable source that at a backstage meeting after Raw on Monday Chris Benoit stood up and announced that he is retiring from wrestling. Yes that's right god is retiring after WrestleMania. He claimed that he was sick and tired of the constant pressure of the net fans, they kept sending him mails about bow he was the "GAWD of work rate" and should be the world champion now and forever. All he ever wanted was to wear a mask and play a comedy character, have a bit of fun in the ring but the fans just wants to see the "Rabid Wolverine" in the ring

Then he broke down crying for 2-3 minutes until Hunter stood up and gave him a big hug and told him it was okay, that he knew how cruel the net geeks could be.

After blowing his nose Chris Benoit then announced that he's going to Hollywood and work on the next Star Trek series called "Star Trek: The In-between Generation" as the second in command of the Star Ship Titanic where he'd have to save the Captain's bacon every week but never get any recognition or credit for all the hard work he's been doing

"It's the part I was born to play" Benoit stated.

With his bombshell announcement the McMahons had to scramble as it was planned for Benoit to pin HHH cleanly at the end of the night and then go on to have a LONG title reign where he looked dominant and superior to everyone. My sources tell me that HHH reluctantly agreed to keep the title with a win over Chris Benoit, but only if they promised him that some other big star would put him over to not make it like they were covering up for Benoit leaving.

You read it here first!

Not quite top story

Eddy Guerrero is STILL well liked by the fans, but should he ever be fired by the WWE you know he'd be better off in TNA

Again a TNW exclusive.

The Inury list
Edge is still out with a bruised ego when the Brock Lesnar story pushed Edge out of the spotlight

John Cena is hurt both here and there, but will stick it out

Steve Austin has a sore thumb from opening a really tough beer on Raw, he's also developing carpal tunnel syndrome, a repetitive wrist bending motion is blamed

Shane Mathis still has no spine

And finally, chapter 287 in the Saga

Hulk Hogan was on the "Bubba the Love Sponge" show again, since he's a good friend he agreed to do it even though Bubba is now transmitting out of his own basement on a ham radio.

Anyway he's announced that he's THIS close || to getting a major network to back his latest idea to revitalize the wrestling business and naturally put him back on top! The idea??

Real American Gladiators!

That's right a revitalized and revamped version of the American Gladiators concept with Hulk Hogan and his friends playing the parts of the Real American Gladiators - but unlike the old shows here the Gladiators always win over the contestants as it's "what the people want to see"

Confirmed to be on board for the show is Hulk Hogan naturally, Jimmy Hart, Horace Hogan (Nickname: Tackle Dummy) Brutus Beefcake (Nickname: Anthrax Scare) Jim Duggan (Nickname: Blockhead) and a cast of "usual suspects" who have yet to sign such as the Honky Tonk Man and Randy Savage proving that Savage can be bought for a buck if need be OOOOOH YEAH!!

And that's the news as I see them

Oh yeah a few plugs right??Can do




And I'm outtie