Thommy H
Linda McMahon
Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:01 pm Posts: 6242
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 Breaking News: 411 cancels all FWRFed Programming
The wrestling world is reeling from the shock news today that the 411 network, the original home of the 411fed that spawned ECF and TCW, has cancelled all FWRFed programming. Citing falling ratings and poor test audience response to recent episodes of FWRFed Intensity and FWRFed Defiance, the network has axed both shows, effective immediately. While fans of FWRFed have reacted angrily to the news, network executives were keen to point out how cancelling the promotion's broadcasts will free up revenue for brand new programming, including such shows as Keeping Up With Kim Kardashian's Ass in which 411 reporter A.J. Gray follows socialite Kim Kardashian around with a camera in an attempt to get as many shots of her backside as possible; Flavor of the Tweet which features Flavor Flav sitting in an oversized solid gold throne in a purpose-built multi-million dollar mansion in the Hollywood Hills reading aloud from various celebrity's Twitter feeds and American Idol: All of the Tears, None of the Talent that is essentially re-runs of old American Idol auditions and first round eliminations, focusing on Simon Cowell's most snide put downs.
A 411 network spokesman made the reasons for the schedule changes clear: "Our market research indicated that much of our audience found FWRFed shows difficult to understand. They were just a little high brow. They said that sometimes, if the two wrestlers were wearing the same or similar coloured tights, they got them mixed up and weren't sure who to cheer for. They were also perplexed by the character of Indigo." When pressed for details about this comment, the spokesman explained that, "Our audiences like female characters to either be meek and servile, or fetishistically powerful. Something in-between, what you might call a 'more realistic' depiction just confuses them and throws their fragile worldviews into a tailspin. It makes them think too hard, and the American public don't like to think when they watch TV. They want something to pacify them. You see, our research has shown that it's only when hour after crushing hour of inane, plot-less reality TV reduces the viewer's brain to the consistency of jell-o – metaphorically – that they're primed to have the commercial messages of our sponsors jammed inside like rusty nails. Again, metaphorically."
This philosophy is no better demonstrated than in the show that will take FWRFed Intensity's timeslot, The World's Most Awesomest Commercials!!!! which is an entire hour of commercials taken from current broadcast schedules, culminating in a top 10 chart of the alleged best.
When asked if this kind of blatant contempt for viewers would turn audiences off 411, the spokesman merely laughed into the cocktail he had been drinking throughout the interview. "What are they going to do? Switch us off? Absurd. The barely-hominid chicken fuckers who watch 411 aren't even capable of lifting up their malformed flippers to wipe the remains of the spray-on cheese from their faces, let alone find the remote in their rolls of flab. Fuck 'em."
Speculation is rampant that FWRFed will find a home at Twisted Experience, the renegade entertainment conglomerate that still broadcasts shows from FWRFed's sister-promotion TCW on its website, but no comment has been forthcoming from their offices in Beijing at this time.
When he was reached for comment the reclusive head of FWRFed's board of directors, Thomas Aitch, told the 411 network that it could go fuck itself.
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