Jobber takes on somewhat of an oldtimer.

Desperate Times call for desperate measures...

Stoner: Dude I can't believe we lost...

The hardcore stoner had been saying that for the past day and a half.

Ghetto: Well what can you do? *cringe*.

The leader of the faction had been laying in his E-Z chair for the whole time they had been back from the show, those thumbtacks can be a bit harsh on your back. He hadn't even sat up the pain was so agonizing.

Alexxx: I KNOW WHAT WE COULD DO!

Stoner & Ghetto: What?!

Alexxx: Have a couple beers...

If you couldn't tell Alexxx, wasn't the saddest about their situation for a change.

She could tell from the facial reactions of the other two members, it was no time to be having a brewsky, even though she takes a swig of some of her Bud.

Alexxx: How bout we watch an episode of Family Guy?

Alexxx clicks on the television and changes the disc in their DVD player that could hold six discs at a time.

Fancy.

It appears to be the episode where the Griffins neighbor, Glenn Quagmire, tries to give up his perverted ways.

Alexxx: Hey that Quagmire guy is reminding me of someone...

Limey: Maybe it reminds you need to get the mail so I can read my new issue of GQ magazine..

Everybody: GQ

Elsewhere.....more specifically, Hammer's extravagant hotel room.

Like I said the hotel room was EXTRAVAGANT it could've been a house all by itself.

Mutaaz was kicking back in his chair watching the replay of his psycho advisor's last match. Jabbar is at the dining room table and adding words and scenes to the script, probably ones that don't make much sense...

Like the Bengals ever winning a Super Bowl.

Miss Alba had been away for a while, but Hammer had all the female company he needed.

He picks up a nearby cowbell and rings it, loudly.

Hammer: OOOHH Yasmin?!

Yasmin: Yes Hammer?

Hammer: What did I tell you to adress me as?

Yasmin: Ugh, What do you want Master-Mutaaz-man-who-could-beat-any-member-of-Ghetto-Grass-any-day-of-the-week?

Hammer: That's more like it, can you bring me a club soda please, do you want anything Jabbar?

Jabbar: I want a pint of red Gatorade mixed with BBQ and chocolate sauce!

Hammer: You heard the man....

Yasmin walks away in her scantily-clad french maid outfit.

Hammer: Ain't this the life Jabbar, or should I call you Jabbarina ?

Jabbar: I can choose my own lifestyle thank you very much.

Hammer: A pink lifestyle is nothing to be ashamed of.

Jabbar: Thank you...

Hammer: If you're into that sort of thing anyway...

The office of Commissioner Valerie Stern.

"Pretty please can't we all have a match with Hammer..."

"Or maybe even all at the same time!"

"Yeah dude."

"This picture of Justin Timberlake is very unflattering to his upperchest region."

Valerie: Look, I can't just give you one big handicap match.

"Aaaawwww"

Valerie: But maybe you guys can earn it.

Stoner: Dude, I gots an idea, hey Simmons bring him in!

Valerie: What is going on?

The Head of Federation Security then comes into the room pushing a box on a dolly. Or a truck push thing. Whatever you call that thing that makes moving shit easier.

There's a box on it clearly with some sort of figure in it.

Valerie: And what might this be?

Stoner: An old member of Ghetto Grass.

Valerie: You had a decaying box as a member?

Ghetto: Well we have a member who's a can of soda, but no we didn't.

Stoner: Misses Stern lady lemme introduce to you...

Stoner rips off the cover of the box.

Stoner: GQ!

Valerie: Hasn't he been killed before?

Alexxx: Six times to be exact.

Stoner: And the offer that our little soda genius came up with is that GQ takes on a jobber, if the jobber wins then it will only be one of us that goes against Hammer and he gets to choose the stipulation.

Valerie: And if he wins?

Stoner: Then it's a gauntlet match.

Valerie: Well we did just get a new recruit - Bryan Nails and he's been eager for a fight...

Alexxx: Great.

Stoner: Oh another stipulation...

Valerie: Yes?

Stoner: Prince Raymond Torres of Brunei Rules.

Everybody: WHAT?

Stoner: Five minute time-limit, win by two count, not three.

Valerie: Gimmick matches usually do good in ratings so I'll allow it.

Ghetto Grass is about to leave her office while pushing GQ, but the commish has a question.

Valerie: Why did you tape his mouth shut.

Ghetto: We know he would definitely say something offensive to you.

Valerie: Smart move kids.

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark

Hammer: Hey Jabbar, could ya answer that?

Jabbar walks over to Hammer's cell phone and picks it up...

Jabbar: It's TCW Headquarters.

Hammer: You answer it.

As Jabbar answers the phone, Yasmin delivers Hammer's club soda. Mutaaz Tareef is the only person I know under the age of 70 who drinks club soda.

Yasmin: Evanescence?

Hammer: The lead singer chick is hot. Besides, "Eye of the Tiger" would be too predictable. *Hammer takes a sip of the club soda* Mmmm, that hits the spot. OK Yasmin, I've got another job for you...don't think you'll like it too much, but it's something that I gotta have done.

Hammer turns off the television, gets up out of his chair and walks towards the table in the kitchen of this extravagant hotel room which would usually be used for eating...but Hammer has other things in mind for it as he takes off his shirt

Hammer: I need my back massaged. It's been killing me ever since that TLC match...I don't think anything's broken but it's really tight.

Jabbar hangs up the phone and shakes his head. He gets out of his chair on the other side of the room and walks over to Hammer to share the news...

Hammer: What's up?

Jabbar: You're not wrestling at the next show either, they're going to have your big return match at the PPV.

Hammer: Smart move on their part, make the people pay to watch me.

Jabbar: But...on this show they're going to decide your opponent for that show.

Hammer: So?

Jabbar: They've got this guy that Ghetto Grass has with them...GQ...he's taking on some preliminary wrestler. If GQ loses, you get any member of Ghetto Grass you want under any stipulation.

Hammer: All right!

Jabbar: Yeah, but if this GQ wins, they get you in a Gauntlet match.

Hammer: A Gauntlet match? I gotta beat all three of them?

Jabbar: Yup.

Hammer: Not that I can't do that, but that's just ridiculous. Looks like I'll have to pay Ms. Stern a visit. *turning towards Yasmin* But not until you give me that backrub.

Yasmin:

Jabbar: She said she'd be sending the guy over to visit us here at the hotel in a little bit.

Hammer: Good deal.

-----

At the Ghetto Grass X-Press, the kids are getting themselves re-acquainted with GQ...

Stoner: So whatcha been up to, ol' buddy?

GQ: I went to Louisville for awhile, thought I'd try to get myself in OVW.

Ghetto Fire: How'd that go?

GQ: Some guy they were calling the Boogey Man killed me every week. I saw I wasn't gonna get the developmental love, so I went back home.

Alexxx: You ready to take out this jobber dude?

GQ: Girl, you know I've been waiting for this for a long time! A match on a big show that I might actually get to win? It'll send my career to the next level! It's about time people recognized the greatness of Gabriel Quagmire!

GQ snatches a bong right out of Stoner's hand and takes a hit.

GQ: So somebody needs to tell me what the fuck's been going on around here. Where's Aco?

All three: Ummmmmmmm...

-----

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Yasmin might not like her job too much, but her massaging skills are a big help to Hammer's back. As he lies on the table, he looks at his Infinity ring. He hasn't heard much from the other guys since arriving in Puerto Rico...which was understandable because four of them were in the tournament and Highone was taking on the World Champ. He probably should have told them that he was possibly injured when they asked him to join, but they didn't seem to mind it too much.

Three knocks are heard against the door, Jabbar answers...

"Uh, is this Mutaaz Tareef's room?"

Jabbar: Yeah, are you the guy Stern sent over?

"Yeah, the name's Bryan Nails."

Hammer: Bryan, come over here.

Bryan walks towards the table where Hammer lies on his stomach while being massaged by Yasmin.

Hammer: Don't mind her, she's all right. I'm Mutaaz Tareef. Bryan, I understand you will be wrestling in a match where a future match of mine will be decided. That's pretty important to me, so I'm going to need to know a little bit about the guy Valerie Stern has decided to put my future in the hands of. That OK?

Bryan: OK...what would you like to know?

Hammer stares Bryan down. He looks pretty well put together, like somebody that could handle himself in a fight.

Hammer: How long you been wrestling?

Bryan: One month.

Hammer's jaw drops.

Hammer: One month?

Bryan: Yes sir.

No, that doesn't bode well at all for Hammer. He would prefer his future not be in the hands of a novice, but he's not surprised that Stern would try to stick it to him like this...

Hammer: Why do you wanna be a wrestler?

Bryan: Well sir, I didn't really want to be one...

Hammer: You didn't?

Bryan: Not really...

"Great, now we've got a novice who doesn't even wanna wrestle", Hammer thinks to himself. This isn't shaping up the way he would like...

Hammer: So why are you one?

Bryan: Well, my dad was gonna kill me if I didn't become one.

Hammer: Your dad?

Bryan: Yeah.

Hammer: Kid, that's pretty messed up.

Bryan: Tell me about it.

Hammer: Listen Bryan, I'm not sure I'm too comfortable with you wrestling on behalf of me...but tell me, what was your last name again?

Bryan: Nails.

Hammer: Nails...I like that name. Kid, I'll meet up with you tonight in the parking lot. We'll talk strategy and I'll give you some pointers. That sound good?

Bryan: Yes sir!

Bryan leaves, and Jabbar emerges from the other room where he was making some last minute additions to the script.

Jabbar: What do you think?

Hammer: He seems all right. Yasmin, what do you think?

Yasmin: I dunno, Mutaaz.

Hammer: Eh?

Yasmin: Master-Mutaaz-man-who-could-beat-any-member-of-Ghetto-Grass-any-day-of-the-week.

Hammer: heh heh heh heh

GQ: You guys are pretty fucked up when I'm gone.

Stoner: Quiet Mr. Katie Vick.

Ghetto: Hey Alexxx hasn't come out of her room.

Stoner: Well that's a shock.

GQ: Maybe she's waiting for me to go check up on her.

Ghetto: Why don't you go check it out, G?

GQ: If I'm not back in ten minutes, don't come a knockin'.

Stoner: I'm sure that won't be a problem dude.

Gabe strolls down the hallway, opens Alexxx's door and sees a site of horror.

GQ: Oh my God, what are you DOING?! Dudes we got lesbians on this bus!
Those words send Stoner and Ghetto racing down with two battles of Vaseline, but they realize what's going on.

Ghetto: Those ain't any hot chicks fool, that's Alexxx making out with the lead
singer of AFI- Davey Havok!



"What's going on guys?"

GQ: So you guys are saying that I just got a stiffy from a dude?

Ghetto: Precisely.

GQ: To the turlet~!

The most annoying member of Ghetto Grass sprints towards the restroom and pukes his guts out.

-------------

Now "Eye of the Tiger" is a perfect theme for the moment as Hammer is sparring with his representative who is doing quiet nicely for a guy who's only been wrestling for about 30 days plus in fact Hammer may need another massage after this session.

As they sparred in an impromptu ring in the local junkyard and empty parking lot, Jabbar was standing next to Yasmin who had a dog collar around her neck that the
psycho Advisor was holding onto, just in case she tried to runaway.

Hammer: Ok that workout was really good, you impress me Nails.

Bryan: Thanks.

Hammer: But I think we need some drinks.

Jabbar: We shall send the Israeli whore to get them.

Hammer: Not by herself, I shall go with her to 7/11.

Yasmin: Why 7/11?

Hammer: We get deals there.

Yasmin: Ahhh.

Hammer: Jabbar you stay here and have an inspirational talk with young Bryan.

---------

Stoner: Hey Ghets dude we're all out of Mountain Dew.

Ghetto: Not it.

Stoner: Not it.

Limey: Definitely not it for brother hood reasons.

GQ: Ok fine but the lead singer of AFI comes with.

Ghetto: Fine whatever take him.

~So many cliffhangers!~

She bangs, she bangs
Al mirala, she moves, she moves
Me enloquece cuando baila
Camina, no puedo parar
Esa mujer me va a matar

She bangs, she bangs
La dama de mi ajedrez
Jugar conmigo es su placer
Por que ella es todas las mujeres en una mujer

We fade in on the local 7-11, where the Spanish version of Puerto Rico's own Ricky Martin's hit "She Bangs" plays over the loudspeaker. Mutaaz Tareef entertains himself by reading a local newspaper while Yasmin stacks several cases of club soda, Gatorade and purified water into their shopping cart.

Hammer: Hee hee...they're having a Holocaust cartoon contest in Iran.

Yasmin: A what?

Hammer: Well, I guess Arabs feel that since Europeans like to draw funny cartoons of the one true prophet, something which is in direct violation of Islamic law, maybe they'd like it if Arabs drew cartoons of something offensive to then.

Yasmin: Seriously though, the Holocaust? That's fucked up.

Hammer: I agree. It is fucked up, but sometimes you gotta do something that you don't agree with in order to send a message.

Yasmin: And the message is?

Hammer: Don't mess with our prophets!

Yasmin: Eh, there are bigger things to get worked up over than cartoons anyway.

Hammer: I'd agree, but good luck convincing Jabbar otherwise. He was pissed off for weeks after that whole deal over in Denmark.

Yasmin: He's always pissed off.

Hammer: Hey, Muhammad Jabbar is a genius. His spiritual advising has done wonders for my life!

Yasmin: Whatever...

Hammer: Hey, that's not the right kind of Gatorade!

Yasmin: What do you mean?

Hammer: That's light red Gatorade. Jabbar and I prefer the dark red Gatorade!

Yasmin: What's the difference?

Hammer: That's like asking what's the difference between Pepsi & Coke! Don't you ever buy your own drinks?

Yasmin: No, Stoner does that for me.

Hammer: coughwhippedcough

Yasmin: What was that?

Hammer: Oh, nothing...

-----

Meanwhile, Muhammad Jabbar paces in a circle around Bryan Nails, who sits on a chair in the parking lot. Nails is unsure of what Jabbar is going to say to him, but what he doesn't know is that Muhammad Jabbar is even less sure of what he's going to say to this greenhorn.

But, Hammer promised Bryan some kind of motivational speech, so Jabbar is going to try and do his best...

Jabbar: I understand that you were motivated to get into wrestling by fear. You feared your father, right?

Bryan: Yeah.

Jabbar: Nails, I don't know who your father is, but I can guarantee this: he is not half as dangerous as Mutaaz Tareef. And if you fuck this match up...well, Mutaaz does not need a gun to accomplish his objectives. Understand?

Jabbar pats Bryan on the shoulder.

Jabbar: Kid, you've got the chance of a lifetime here. One month in the business, and you're going to be on television. Millions of people will see your match, and if you do well, they just might want to see you again. If you suck, they won't. You looked good earlier sparring with Mutaaz, so you've got the potential to have a good match. I don't mean to belabor the point, but this is the biggest match of your life. Not only is Hammer's future on the line...but your career is too. If you lose, you'll probably never get another chance like this. TCW has plenty of young guys they can plug into your spot.

Jabbar leaves Bryan with these last words:

Jabbar: Win this match for yourself. Even if you don't care about what happens to Hammer, or if you do care, don't let that be what you're fighting for. Sure, for him, that's what this is all about. But Bryan, you can't fight for Mutaaz. You can't fight for your father. You have to fight for yourself...and what you believe in. To fight for anything less...would be uncivilized.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get to work on a drawing...

Bryan Nails remains in his chair, pondering what Jabbar has said to him, and wondering when Hammer will come back with the drinks. He sure is thirsty...

-----

At the Ghetto Grass X-Press, the kids sit and wait for GQ & Davey to bring them their Dew...

Stoner: Yup.

Ghetto Fire: Yup.

Alexxx: Mmmhmmm.

Feel the drama!

-----

Back at the 7-11, Gabriel Quagmire & Davey Havok have just entered looking for Mountain Dew. GQ has been a little more talkative than Davey on the way over...

GQ: So then we won the DCW tag team title for a record 5th time, beating the team of Mike Hickles & Cunter Hurst Delmsley. After that, I won the X-Division title for a record 18th time beating some guy named Eric Young. Dunno whatever happened to him.

Davey: Fascinating.

GQ: Yeah. Then I was in a Flaming Ultimate X Match.

GQ's life story is suddenly interrupted by a man who is waiting in line at the cash register with his maid.

Hammer: Hey, Davey! Long time no see!

See, Hammer & Davey go way back. At least to Endgame, which already seems like decades ago, doesn't it?

Davey: Hello Mutaaz.

Hammer: Whatcha doin over here in Puerto Rico?

Davey: Visiting with Alexxx.

Hammer: Ah...I'm sure she told you about our recent spat. Let me state for the record...well, first, I gotta ask you something. What in the fuck is that hairstyle supposed to be? I mean.....what is that?

Davey: Ummmm.....

Hammer: I don't get it man. But hey, I was never a long hair guy anyway, so, whatever. Who's this dude with you?

GQ: I am Gabriel Quagmire, foo! And I will be defeating your boy at Revolucion! So how do you like dem apples?

Hammer: You're Gabriel Quagmire?

GQ: Yeah!

Hammer: Hold on a minute.

Hammer walks a few steps away from GQ and turns around...

Hammer: BHWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!

Hammer turns around.

Hammer: Just one more minute.

Oh, he's getting a kick out of this. I mean, the guy looks like Matt Bentley. Would you fear a guy who looked like that?

Hammer: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hammer turns back around and walks up to GQ.

Hammer: So you'll be the guy that my boy Bryan Nails is fighting?

GQ: That's right.

Hammer: One second.

Hammer turns back around.

Hammer: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUWHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ok, Hammer is done laughing. Seriously.

Hammer: Nice to meet ya, kid.

GQ: You better not be underestimating me! I am the greatest cruiserweight wrestler of all time!

Hammer: Yasmin, is this guy always so full of himself?

Yasmin: Yeah, pretty much.

Hammer: Why do you guys put up with him?

Yasmin: Don't ask me, it wasn't my decision.

Hammer: Well, Gabriel, if you think you're so big and bad, how bout we go at it right now?

GQ: Huh?

Hammer: Yeah, that's right boy! MAN UP! MAN UP DOG! MAN UP!

Ending the post with a Briscoe Brothers reference...yes, I have reached a new low. Why is Hammer trying to provoke GQ into a fight when he has been avoiding fights for the last couple of weeks? Will Bryan Nails take Muhammad Jabbar's advice? Will we finally actually see a picture of Yasmin in that maid outfit? And will Ghetto Grass do anything besides rip off King of the Hill? Tune in to Nitro to find out!