This is a thread to ask questions to the most evil being in the history of history. The questions, regarding life love and everything else, will be answered in upcoming editions of TCW Beatdown. Be sure to provide a "name" and a "location" to your questions so that Professor Evil will know who he is talking to.

Dear Mister Evil,

Is it wrong to go after a friends woman? And what advice do you have for somebody who wants to try?

Signed,
Confused in Chicago

Dear Proffesor Evil,

I have a problem that is very embarrasing. I am a young man who recently had his first sexual experience and, as you can imagine, it was a dissaster - but not for the reasons you might expect. You see, my girlfriend found it painful because my genitals are enormous - I mean, like, huge. It seems like it would be great, but it's really not! Now my girlfriend won't have sex with me (she was a virgin before we had sex too) because she says it hurts and...well...here is what I would like to know:

Where can I meet sluts who are used to having sex with men like me? You know, really skanky whores who can't get enough of my enormous, bloated penis? I've tried to place advertistments in the local newspaper, but all I got was a visit from the police for obscene publications.

Thanks in advance,

Swollen in Suburbia

Dear Professor Evil,

Last weekend, I had my first homosexual experience. It was... pretty good. I'm usually a total sex machine; I've had TWO girlfriends and I held their hands and everything! But this was different, and not just because it was with a man. He kept making me slap him in the face and call him a "filthy little liberal" while spitting on him. Is this normal or what??

Thanks,
Chris in Seatt--uh, Denver.

Yo, Doc E.

I think my latest fling may have outed me. I know his secrets too: he's a pinko bitch terrorist-lover who wants the Democrats to win so they can let the country be taken over by Mexican Muslums. Should I turn him in to DHS?

Gotta grab another beer,
The Conservative Sex Machine, Libtown

Dear Prof. Evil,

How can I get men to be attracted to me without my wife knowing? Should I just hang around in a public restroom or what? What signals do queers use so they know how to spot each other? I heard something about hankies, but I don't want to fuck it up and make some ... Oh wait I need to grow up. Nevermind... think I want him to piss on me or something. Any and all help would be appreciated.

PS. I'm not gay myself, I just want to have sex with men.

Mike, West Virginia